What Are Bad Icebreakers Men Send On Dating Apps?
The reason men don't get responses to their messages on dating apps is they use bad icebreakers. Showing a lack of effort, asking women out, and being a creep are a few of the common approaches men use.
It's easy to start conversations on dating apps (if you know what you're doing). And that's the problem; men don't realize their icebreakers are so bad, they are an "instant no" with women.
If you're not getting responses to your messages, here are 7 bad icebreakers you may be using that cripple your chances of getting a response. I share why the approaches are bad and how to fix the mistakes.
1. Generic messages that show a lack of effort.
The most common approach for men is an icebreaker that shows a complete lack of effort. This is a prime example of a common message women receive:
Generic icebreakers are always a bad idea.
I don't understand why men use this approach. It's a bad icebreaker, possibly the worst conversation starter in online dating.
It's a common approach which you should never use. OkCupid found messages with the word "hey" have an 84% chance of being ignored.
Online Profile Pros shares the top 3 intros to avoid are "hi," "hey," and "hello." "Hi" is the most common first message, used by about 23% of men.
According to Online Profile Pros, these 3 ways to greet someone in a message were actually bad beginnings. They are generic, show a complete lack of effort, and show how serious you are about meeting a woman.
Here's what to do instead. Comment on something on a woman's bio to start a real conversation.
Anything a woman shares in her profile is fair game. If a woman takes the time to write about herself, you better comment on something her bio like I do below on Match.com.
If a woman puts effort into her bio, ask a question about something on it.
What if a woman doesn't write anything in her bio? Simple, comment on a photo as I do below on Hinge.
Commenting on a photo is a winning approach on dating apps.
2. Telling a woman you have common interests.
Another bad icebreaker is telling a woman you have something in common without sharing what it is. It's a huge blunder. A lot of guys fall into the trap of saying they share common interests without proving it.
Never tell a woman you have common interests on a dating app without proving it.
Why is this a problem? Well, a lot of men use this approach. No woman will take your word that you have something in common because it's such an overused approach.
It's actually a better idea to share you have common interests. Hinge found, "the best way to get a response is to ask a direct question about your match's profile while sharing your interests."
The key to getting a response is showing you have common interests. You can show women you have common interests in your message without actually saying, "we have something in common."
Here's how to do it. Again, anything a woman shares on her bio is fair game for use in an icebreaker. Just pick a topic, then ask a question about the topic while sharing your answer.
It's simple, really. If a woman loves traveling, ask her where she's going next and then share something about your next trip. If you see a woman loves hiking, ask her what her favorite trails are while sharing yours. Make sense?
Below is an example from OkCupid. Note how I ask a question about something in the woman's profile, she mentions she enjoys craft beer.
It's best to show women you have common interests instead of saying it.
I ask the woman what her favorite beer is and share a beer that I enjoy. I could have written, "we both like beer," but instead, I proved we have something in common by mentioning a beer I liked. My icebreaker works, and I start a conversation.
Remember, don't tell women you have something in common. Prove it!
3. Showing you're desperate, clingy, or annoying.
After you send your icebreaker to a woman, forget about it. At least for the short term. Do not be like this guy sending multiple messages over a couple of days.
Do not send multiple messages to a woman on dating apps when she doesn't immediately respond.
DO NOT check if a woman reads your message. Don't obsess over it either. Avoid checking if the woman is online. Don't see if she looked at your profile, either.
Some women take their sweet time responding. Don't assume your message deserves an immediate response. It doesn't.
Should you second another message if a woman doesn't respond to your first. Absolutely! I encourage you to send a second icebreaker but make sure you use the right approach.
I cover how the right way to send a second icebreaker here; 3 Simple Rules for Messaging Etiquette on Dating Apps.
4. Stating the obvious.
A huge blunder I see is men sending messages that are meaningless because they say nothing. An example is this guy:
This message shows a lack of effort and doesn't engage the woman.
The approach above is terrible. Let me break down why this is on this list of bad icebreakers.
The guy starts off saying, "I read your profile." Where is the proof? What exactly did he read? He fails to mention anything in the woman's bio. It's totally vague and offers the woman nothing.
Then the guy writes, "I would love the chance to talk to you." What does that mean? Of course, he wants to talk to her, he sent a message.
A woman knows you're interested and want to talk to her once you send your icebreaker. Don't state the obvious.
Finally, he says, "and get to know you better." Another phrase with zero meaning. If he really wants to get to know her better, he should ask a question about something that literally allows him to get to know her better.
This is a classic message men send to women on dating apps. The message above could very well be a copy & paste message the guy sends to every woman he sees. Since the message says nothing about the woman, she may think it's copy & paste.
Instead, this guy should have done this:
1. Commented on something in the woman's bio to show her read it.
2. Ask a question or two about something in her bio.
It's simple, really. When you see a woman you're interested in, show a genuine curiosity about her by asking questions about something in her bio.
5. Physical compliments.
Never compliment a woman's looks in your opening message. Any physical compliment kills your chances of getting a response. Telling a woman she's attractive is one of the top bad icebreakers men use on dating apps.
Here are a few facts from Zoosk that show why complimenting a woman's looks is in this list of bad icebreakers. Look at the impact one word has on response rates:
- Beautiful - 20% fewer responses.
- Cute - 24% fewer responses
- Gorgeous - 22% fewer responses
- Sexy - 13% fewer responses
Here is a prime example of a terrible opening message from a guy on Zoosk.
Physical compliments in an icebreaker are an instant "no" with women on dating apps.
Maybe you think, "What's the harm in complimenting a woman?" The problem is a lot of men do this. It shows you only value a woman's looks. Tack on every other guy does this, so you're lumped in with the masses as yet, another guy who only cares about a woman's looks.
According to Online Profile Pros, 31% of men compliment women's appearances. It's no wonder men get such low response rates.
A better approach is complimenting something on a woman's bio. Again, anything a woman shares in her bio is fair game to use in your icebreaker.
If the woman has a photo of herself in a marathon, tell her that you're impressed because of the hard work it takes to finish one. If you see a woman has a photo of herself traveling somewhere, compliment the photo itself.
You can also tell women how you like something about them. Maybe tell a woman, "I like that you're active. It shows dedication and commitment."
Even telling a woman her photo is great in of itself, is better than telling her she's pretty. Below is an example on the Hinge dating app.
Complimenting the photo instead of telling a woman she's attractive.
6. You're acting like a creep.
Some guys are inappropriate and just don't get it. Below is a message from Tinder. If you send a message like this, you deserve to be not only ignored but banned from the app.
Offensive messages to women never work.
The guy above probably went for shock value. Or maybe he thinks it's a great way to compliment a woman. It's not. It's offensive.
Not all men are that extreme. Some guys are simply creepy in their icebreakers asking for more photos, asking if the woman wants to cuddle, if she's a good kisser, etc.
Never ask women for body pictures on dating apps.
Here's how to fix this problem... just don't be a creep. Think about what you're asking and how women will feel reading your message.
7. You ask women out in your icebreaker.
Rounding out the list of bad icebreakers men use is asking women out. Don't ask women out in your opening message. I can't believe how many men do this.
Looks, I'm all for cutting to the chase and getting a woman offline quickly. But not in your first message.
You want a connection with the woman first. You need to establish chemistry and build attraction.
You don't ask a woman to marry you on the first date, do you? Of course not. So don't ask a woman out in your icebreaker.
Asking women out in your first message is a bad icebreaker.
Chris, I was a lot skeptical of your site but I wanted to meet someone, been out of the dating arena for 30 years, (I’m in my 50s) never been on Match or any other dating sites. On Jan 1 I said I was not going to be alone on New Year’s Eve anymore. Signed up on Match, used your techniques, and have already received 25 views and had conversations with 12 women, and gone out on 3 dates. For those out there 1 suggestion – Learn how to write summary/bio using Chris’s techniques, I think it’s more important than pictures (but you still need pictures).