How To Reach Out To Someone You Ghosted In The Past

If you want to reach out to someone you ghosted, and reconnect with women from the past, send a friendly message so you can reignite the conversation. You have nothing to lose.

Don't overthink it. Send a message. The woman might respond or she might not. No biggie. Some women may get upset while others continue where you last left off.

If a woman is angry or ignore your message, it's the risk you take because you vanished, but if she responds, it's worth it. The goal of your first "post ghosting" message is getting your foot back in the door and starting from where you left off.

In case you're curious, ghosting is vanishing or disappearing with no explanation; no phone calls, no texts, or no messages.  For a full description of ghosting, and other terms, visit my blog post What Are The Meaning Of Common Online Dating Terms?

I'm guilty of ghosting women for whatever reason I had at the time. I experimented and reached out with women I ghosted, all in the name of "science" for this blog post. I wanted to see how women would react after ghosting and then coming back.

Let me be clear, the tips on this post are for women you texted or traded messages on a dating app. If you met someone and ghosted them, well, I can't help you there.

The ideal approach after you ghost a woman

The first message should be light and fun. Here's an example; "I can't believe you ghosted me. Were you intimidated by my dreamy smile or was it my bad boy tendencies? 🙂 How have you been?"

It's clear I'm playing around in the message. I half-heartedly blame the woman. Then I add a cocky statement including my "bad boy tendencies." I'm mocking my good-natured personality because I'm not a bad boy.

You can see the energy in the message too; it's positive and light. I finish it off with a smiley face which emphasizes the humor.

Whatever approach you choose when you reach out to someone you ghosted, don't do these in your initial message:

• Explain for why you went MIA.
• Come up with excuses.
• Ask for forgiveness or apologize; "I dropped the ball and hope you forgive me."
• Ask permission to talk; "Maybe we can talk?"

Maybe you met someone, perhaps you had personal things which were a priority, or maybe you were just an asshole. It doesn't matter, do not explain why you vanished in your first message.

Ultimately, the woman will want to know what happened, and this is when you are honest why you ghosted. Some women won't even bring it up and will be OK, and in some cases, happy to hear from you.

Lastly, some women will ignore you, and some may get upset, others may tell you they met someone and are in a relationship. You'll know by the tone of the response if she's still interested. If she's moved on, wish her "good luck," and move on yourself.

How To Reconnect With Women Through Texting

For the first part of my experiment, I focused on women I texted in the past. These are women where I had moved communication off the dating sites and to the phone.

Why I ghosted isn't important, and I don't remember anyway. I went through my contacts and selected women I last texted from as far as four months away and as recent as two months.  

In total, I texted 19 women and 8 responded which is better than I thought I would (2 of them had boyfriends). I went in with zero expectations and got over a 40% response rate. Not too shabby.

The first example is with a woman I last texted four months ago. The message I used is the one from above; "I can't believe you ghosted me. Were you intimidated by my dreamy smile or was it my bad boy tendencies? 🙂   How have you been?"

Remember, the goal of your first message is to start a new conversation; not to continue a previous one. You want to get your "foot in the door."  The approach worked which you see below.

Another approach to reach out to someone you ghosted.

In the following examples, I used this as my opening message: "What in the world have you been up to? I'm guessing you focused on work or took a break from dating because there is no way you found a guy cooler than me."

There are two things I want to point out the screenshots below.

1. I misspelled the word "have." I wrote "hahe" and had no idea I did this until creating this blog post. Funny how none of the women paid attention to that.
   
   
2. I add a smiley face at the end of the message (as I do with all of these types of message) to emphasize the humor.

The message worked very well:

The responses vary, but the goal of the message worked; to start conversations with women I ghosted in the past.  

Women may forget who you are.

Sending messages to a woman you ghosted might not work because she deleted your number, lost your contact information, or got a new phone. Take this example when the woman responded that she "deleted everybody" from her phone.   

Dave??? Whoops, I'm not Dave. If a woman guesses wrong, don't get upset, joke around with her as I do here:

The girl not only forgot about me at first but thought I was someone else. Did that stop me? Nope! After sending a photo the girl remembers who I am, and the conversation takes off from where we last left it.  

Sometimes sending messages to women you ghosted doesn't work.

It's not always a happy ending when you text women you ghosted. In the message below, the woman says she "lost all of my contacts" which is short for "I deleted your number, but am curious who this is." OK, that's fine. Remember, it's all about starting a conversation.

She remembers me, but dropped the hammer; she tells me she has a boyfriend. It doesn't matter if it's true or not; the message is loud and clear; "no longer interested."  

With that, I bid her adieu! When a woman tells you she's with someone else, the only thing you should do is move on. Say something nice and respect she's with someone else; you did ghost her remember? So you can't be upset with her when in fact you vanished.

In this example, I start the conversation, and the woman immediately tells me she's dating someone. That's life.

How To Reconnect With Women You Messaged Only On Dating Apps

What if you never made it to the text messaging stage (never getting a number), and only traded messages on the dating app itself? How do you reach out to someone you ghosted in the past?

I decided to reconnect with women I ghosted on OkCupid, Match, Hinge, Tinder, Christian Mingle, and JDate. The response percentages dropped by 10%.  I sent messages to 44 women, and 13 responded. That's a 30% response rate (rounded up) which is a smaller percentage than the ones I texted directly (40% response rate).

Let's look at the first message I use; "Wow, I can't believe you ghosted me. You were either intimidated by my dreamy smile or my bad boy tendencies. Which is it? :-)"

The message is nearly identical to the one I used in my text messages. The message is effective which you see in this example from Tinder.

I used the same message on Hinge, and the woman responded quickly.

Here's another message I use; "I haven't heard from you in ages and can only assume you ghosted me because of my devastating good looks or my out of this world charm. Which was it...probably both!  Ha!  🙂  How have you been?"

No explanation why I ghosted, I use humor to reignite the conversation.  The message works great.  Here it is in action on various dating apps.

The last message I use is "What in the world have you been up to? I'm guessing you focused on work or took a break from dating because there is no way you found a guy cooler than me on here."  

This message is the exact message I sent above in text messages. It's a great message to reach out to someone you ghosted in the past.

Below is a conversation with a woman on Christian Mingle. She responds to one of my messages above, and you see by her tone she didn't find my message funny. She told me she messaged me last (which she did), and that was the last I heard from her. 

If a woman isn't happy to hear from you, it's OK. Remember, you ghosted her so don't get upset if she isn't thrilled to hear from you again. The only thing is moving on at this point.  Don't waste your time sending a second message in these circumstances.

Final Thoughts

My "not so scientific test" has decent results. I texted 19 women, and 8 responded. I sent 44 messages on various dating apps, and 13 women responded. Not too shabby.

I think the reason I have a higher response rate with women via text is that I have their numbers already whereas the apps our communication was only through messages making it less personal.

I went in expecting the majority of women would ignore me (which many did) but was pleasantly surprised so many responded. I also assumed a few women would be upset and only one wasn't happy to hear from me.  

Is it OK to reach out to someone you ghosted off a dating site? Absolutely. You've got nothing to lose so do it. Remember these tips for your initial message to women:

• Don't over think it - just write your message.
• Use a light approach in your first message (feel free to use my messages above).
• Be aware the woman might not be thrilled hearing from you.
• Don't explain why you vanished in your initial message. Let it come up naturally in the conversation.  
• If a woman says "no thanks" or "met someone," move on.

It's easy!  Good luck and Keep it Ninja!

Will you reach out to someone you ghosted?  Have you ghosted women and sent messages later?  Share your story or thoughts below.