What To Say In A First Message To Women On A Dating Site

Can't think of what to say in a first message to a woman online?  While most men fail to get a response, it's quite easy to write engaging emails women respond to.

Don't think you can say "Hi" or "How are you?" to start a conversation.  You need to make an effort in your message to capture a woman's attention.

Follow 4 simple steps to crafting the perfect opening message and get responses.

Step 1.  Read Her Dating Profile

Go figure!  When you read a woman's dating profile and comment on it, you show you're actually interested in getting to know her.  Most guys comment on photos or use a lame opening message like "Hey" which shows a complete lack of effort.

Jess Carbino, Tinder's sociologist, shared that "7 in 10 Tinder women want your message to show curiosity. Ask about her profile."  This is key; you must ask a question about something on her profile.

By commenting on something in her profile, you're separating yourself from all the other men flooding her inbox with canned one-word messages.

Step 2.  Find Something To Comment On

As you're reading through her profile, look for "keywords" you can comment on to start a conversation.  These "keywords" should be something YOU HAVE IN COMMON because, in step 3 below, you're going to create questions to show her you share common interests.

I look for words like:

• wine
• movies
• cooking
• bands
• books
• beer
• dog
• hiking
• kayaking

These are things that I enjoy doing, and odds are women will share some of these in their profile.  I use these to start my conversations.  I would never lie about things I don't do.  For example, I'm not much of a traveler nor do I volunteer anywhere, so I never comment on these topics.

What are your passions, interests, and hobbies?  As you read through a woman's profile look for keywords associated with your lifestyle and preferences.  These are what you are going to talk about in your messages to create a connection with her.

Step 3.  Create Engaging Questions

Once you choose a couple of keywords, think of 1 or 2 engaging questions to show the woman you actually have something in common.

A lot of guys fail here because they choose to write; "We have something in common."  This is a horrible message because you've shown her NOTHING.  All you've done is tell her you have things in common; you need proof!

Sending the message "We have a lot in common" makes women do the work of reading through your profile to find what you have in common.  The average woman spends 84 seconds reading your profile.  I covered this in this blog post; How To Grab A Woman’s Attention Online; Focus On Your Self-Summary.

You can't expect a woman to dig through your profile looking for the "common interests" you said you have.  It's a vague statement.  Women spend a limited amount of time reading your profile so the odds are she may take a look, and if she quickly can't find something in common, she'll move onto someone else. 

And guess what?  You blew your chances because your message was vague and not engaging.  The better option to capture a woman's attention is to show her you have something in common with your message.  How?  Keep reading.

Step 4.  Write Your Message

Now comes the hard part for most men; writing a message.  Relax, it's easy.

Let's look at the message I wrote to the woman below here in San Diego.  I read through her profile and focused on her keywords "craft beer" and "scary movies."

You can read my "notes" on the screenshot.  Be sure to read my tips at the bottom of this post to get a more detailed analysis of what I did in my message.

How I Wrote A Message To Get A Response

What To Say In A First Message Tips

1. Always begin your message with a "Hello."
   
2. OkCupid found certain phrases had the highest response rates from women which I discussed in another blog post.  In this example, I use one of those terms, "You mention."
   
3. I comment on things she wrote about herself and NOT her photos.  Most men comment on photos or say a few words like "How's your night."  Not me, I focus on her liking "craft beer" and "scary movies."
   
4. I ask her questions about "craft beer" and "scary movies" and also give information about myself with regards to these same questions.  I've found women are MORE likely to respond when I give them information about myself.  It's tit for tat.
   
   
5. Note how I show we have something in common.  Most men write "We have a lot in common."  That never works.  Always show it.  I do this by asking questions and opening up about myself.
   
   
6. Always share your name at the end of your emails.  Women will trust you more when you do this.  This is your real name, not your screen name.

First Message Example on Match.com

In this example on Match.com, I focus on Rita's interest in boxing and kickboxing which she shares on her dating profile below.

As I mention in Step 2 above, I like to look for things I have in common, and boxing is perfect because I was a member of a boxing gym a few years ago.  I use that as my "in."  Note how I use the "I noticed" that phrase which emphasizes I read Rita's profile.   

I get the results I want because Rita responds to my message.  This conversation is off to a great start because Rita compliments my profile (the onion comment references a hook I have on my profile) and she says she's looking forward to hearing from me again.

First Message Example on Tinder

Here's an example of what to say in a first message to a woman on Tinder.  Alexa here shares various interests most women enjoy, and I zero in on two things I love; wine and living an active lifestyle.

I like to use a woman's name if she shares it on her profile.  I address Alexa by her name and don't just say "Good morning."  Next, I use the phrase "I see" which points out I read her profile and then ask what type of wine she enjoys.  I keep it simple and share my favorite.  

Then I proceed to ask Alexa what things she enjoys doing outside.  Notice that I compliment her lifestyle; in this case, the fact she is "active."  Most men compliment looks which is a huge mistake because it's a common approach.  

The message pays off because Alexa responds to my opening message.  I know she at least looked at my profile because she addressed me by my name.  Also, pay attention to her thanking me for "reaching out first."  

It's important to message women first; ALWAYS.  If a woman swipes right or likes your profile, don't let her sit there and expect her to send the first message.  Be a man and message a woman first.  Alexa thanked me in the message above because I took the initiative and messaged her.

Final Thoughts

Most men are clueless when it comes to what to say in a first message to women on dating sites.  It's not rocket science; it's only online dating.  

I don't care what dating site you're on; It's easy to start conversations with women.  Just follow the steps above, and you'll stand out from the men who are using boring canned opening lines.

Yes, it takes more effort and time, but the reward is women appreciate a man who puts in some effort instead of the majority of men who use boring opening messages such as "How's your day?"

Leave your thoughts about what to say in a first message to women below. I would love to hear from you.

Women Don't Respond To Your Messages - Now What?

The Types Of Messages Women Receive On Dating Apps

I want to know the types of messages guys send when women either don't respond or politely tell them, "I'm not interested." Where's the best place to find this information?

I asked Redditors, "What type of messages do guys send you when you don't respond to them?" early in 2017. The results are stunning.

Take note of these women's responses. Let it be a guide to you as to how you should NOT act if women don't respond to your messages:

Four Years Later... Same Problems For Women

In January 2021, I presented the same question to women on Reddit. The responses are similar to the responses from February 2017.

Annoying Messages In Action

Here are several screenshots of messages men send women on various dating apps. Hopefully, you're not guilty of these approaches. If so, you're shooting yourself in the foot.

Avoid offensive messages - they never work.

Sending nonstop messages is a terrible idea.

Multiple messages shows women you're insecure.

Sending the same message shows laziness.

Don't ask women why they're not interested in you.

Final Thoughts

What Are The Worst Online Dating Messages Men Send to Women?

The worst online dating messages men send to women include one-word conversation starters, physical compliments, and showing desperation. Doing any of these ruins any hope of getting a response back.

Women receive a lot of crappy messages from men on dating sites. The most attractive women receive the most messages, and unfortunately for them, the messages are awful. Here's a screenshot of the inbox on POF of a very attractive female friend, Lisa.

Lisa wanted to share with me why she is frustrated with online dating. Just look at the number of messages she received over 2 days; 263 messages. She showed me all the messages in her inbox, and I'm here to tell you that every single message was terrible.

This post shows you the 5 worst online dating messages women receive. Check the messages so you can avoid the mistakes the men below make.

1. One or Two Word Messages

One of the worst online dating messages you can send a woman is a one or two-word message saying "hi" or something similar. This is the most common icebreaker women receive.

One-word messages show a complete lack of effort, and you might as well write, "Hi, I have absolutely nothing to say." Here's a fact, OkCupid found a message with the word "hey" has an 84% chance of being ignored.

2. Physical Compliments

The second most common message women receive is physical compliments. Telling a woman she's attractive is a surefire way for your message to be deleted.

Sending the message "You are gorgeous" comes across as a line because so many men send the same message. You turn women off when telling them they're pretty.

Zoosk found when men used the following words in their messages to women, they hurt response rates:

• Sexy - 13% fewer responses
• Beautiful - 20% fewer responses
• Cute - 24% fewer responses
• Gorgeous - 22% fewer responses

You'll set yourself apart from men by complimenting a woman about something in the free text section of her dating profile, not her photos. Never compliment a woman's looks.

3. Lack of Confidence

Another of the worst online dating messages is messages that show zero confidence and seek her approval. Eliminate the words "if," "would," and "maybe" from your messages. Remember, show confidence. Assume she is interested.

Do you think the message "maybe we could chat" is OK? Read it out loud. You can hear how it shows zero confidence.

4. Asking Women Out

I'm all for finding out where you stand sooner than later, but asking a woman out on a date in your first message is a terrible idea. Don't do it.

Do I really have to explain why? You're a complete stranger and need to build a connection before a woman agrees to a date.

Zoosk found the following when asking a woman out in a first message:

• Messages that used the word "date" resulted in 14% fewer responses from women.
• Messages that used the word "go out" resulted in 56% fewer responses from women.

5. Showing Desperation

The most cringe-worthy of the worst online dating messages is when men show desperation. Begging or pleading with a woman to respond to you is not attractive.

Your actions show the type of man you are.  Blasting women with several messages in a small window of time just shows you are desperate and insecure.

Not all women are on dating sites 24/7.  If a woman doesn’t respond to your first message, a friendly follow-up a few days later will do but leave it at that.

There’s no need to email her at 7 PM Tuesday night then again at 8 AM Wednesday if you don’t hear from her overnight.

5. Final Thoughts

What are the worst online dating messages you can send a woman? These type of messages:

• One or Two Word Messages
• Physical Compliments
• Lack of Confidence
• Asking Her Out
• Showing Desperation

If you want to meet more women, you need better approaches than the ones above. Ask a woman open-ended questions about something in her profile. It can be anything.

Elevator talk is something you would say to someone you are sharing an elevator with. Meaningless, boring, weak conversations such as "How was your weekend?" or "Enjoying your weekend?" Yes, men send these messages to women.

Separate yourself from the herd. Focus on something other than pictures. Mention something in a woman's free text section.

You're likely to get more responses from women if you actually comment on something in her profile instead of sending a message like one of the 5 above.

If you want to see a better approach to your first message, check out my blog post What To Say In A First Message To Women On Dating Sites: 4 Steps To The Perfect Opening Message.

Leave your comments below. I would love to hear what you have to say about Top 5 Worst Online Dating Messages Men Send to Women.

After analyzing over 500,000 messages, OkCupid has found 3 good conversation starters you should use in messages to women on dating sites.  When used by men, these phrases received the most responses from women and will certainly help boost your responses as well when used correctly.

The worst initial message you can send a woman on a dating site would be one or two words such as "Hi,", "Hey," or "Hello there" just like these guys:

These are NOT good conversation starters with women.  You may as well write, "I have nothing to say, am boring, and lack confidence.  Please don't reply to my message."

Women will delete your email immediately if you send a one or two-word opening message. And believe me, the majority of men send lame openings like this:

You can see even lousier opening messages in my blog post, The Top 5 Worst Online Dating Messages To Women, that you should avoid sending to women. But what are good conversation starters that do get responses?

OkCupid has come to the rescue. OkCupid analyzed over 500,000 emails and found the phrases that had the highest success rate for replies to your messages.  What did they find?  Mentioning common interests is the way to go.

OkCupid points out that "talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection....." and they have proof that it works.

OkCupid found several phrases that get high response rates.  The top 3 that got the most replies are:

1. "You Mention"
2. "Good Taste"
3. "Noticed That"

Here's part of a woman's dating profile I found on POF in San Diego. She had a rather lengthy "About Me" section so I'm only including part of what she wrote:

"I've lived all over! I'm originally from Colorado (yep I'm a Broncos fan), I grew up in Australia and went to college in Paris. I've tried out both coasts and as much fun as NYC is I just was not a fan of the weather. The weather here is much better!!!"

The woman was 38 years old and beautiful so you can be sure she gets a ton of emails from men. The football comment is an easy in; just refer to it jokingly. Don’t talk crap about someone’s team. Mockingly make fun of yours or a different bad team. Trust me, it works.

Using the 3 phrases from OkCupid:

1. You Mention:

“You mention you’re a Broncos fan. I’m a Raiders fan myself so I’m not sure if it will work out between us because I hear Broncos fans are really rowdy and fight a lot unlike our fans who are peaceful and hold hands between plays”.

2. Good Taste:

"I started reading your profile and thought “Wow, finally a woman with good taste,” then I saw you liked the Broncos. Why on Earth would you like a team that has been so consistently good when you can like a team like the Buccaneers who continually dominate at mediocrity?"

3. Noticed That:

"I noticed that you’re a fan of the Broncos. Did you lose a bet because clearly, you should be supporting a winning organization like the Jaguars?"

It doesn't matter which team it is. If she likes a winning team; pick the polar opposite and use it as an opening.

The woman also mentioned in her profile that she lived in NYC and preferred the West Coast over the East Coast. You could use this approach:

1. You Mention:

"You mention how much better the weather is here on the West Coast.  You mean to tell me you don't like humidity, snowstorms and shoveling ice off your car window in freezing temperatures?  Be honest, you don't miss it?"

2. Good Taste and Noticed That

"I noticed that you chose the West Coast over the East Coast; obviously you have good taste but I want to know do you prefer West Coast pizza over East Coast pizza.  And have you found a good East Coast pizza joint here that you could recommend because I haven't found a good one."

That's right; I knocked out two phrases in one email.

Here's another profile I found on POF with words you have no doubt seen before:  "I enjoy experimenting with new recipes, a nice glass of wine while listening to music or reading, going to concerts..."

Here is how you could craft an opening message:

1. You Mention and Good Taste

"You mention you enjoy a nice glass of wine.  I love a good Cabernet. Are you a fan of red wine or white wine?  What's your favorite wine?  Clearly, a woman of good taste, I don't expect you to say Franzia. It will never work out between us if you do. :-)"

2. Noticed That

"I noticed that you enjoy experimenting in the kitchen with new recipes. Where do you find these recipes?  I am always on the lookout for healthy recipes and am on the Food Network site and Nom Nom Paleo constantly.  What's your signature dish? My go-to dish is Basil Chicken and it's rated highly on Yelp! ha!"

I recommend finding something you have in common and show women you share that interest.  Most men write "We have things in common."   That isn't effective as actually showing it.

In this example, you can see the woman share a wealth of information about herself on her dating profile.  I focus on comment about her love of Asian food.

This is the message I wrote:

"Hi Suri, You mention you enjoy Asian food. So, what's your go-to dish? What puts a smile on your face? I love Thai food and the spicier the better. Chicken...fish...beef...I don't care! Just make sure it's hot! :-)"

Now, I showed we have common interest by sharing I like Thai food.  The end results?  She responds!

The woman respond and even complimented me; "I like your verbal vibe."

The last thing she does is ask me a question back which is a great sign.  My initial email starts the conversation.

When you encounter women who write little about themselves. don't comment on photos.  You can start conversations with these women by selecting topics on their profile and using the phrases above to show you read their dating profile.

In this example, this woman shares next to nothing as you can see below.  You just have to focus on specific keywords to start the conversation.  

Here is the message I wrote her:

"Hi Frances, You mention you enjoy "I Am Legend." Have you seen the alternate version of the movie? I think I like it more. I won't spoil it for you if you haven't seen it, but I highly recommend it.

Oh, and I see you "think" you can beat me at Scrabble. I'll have you know I'm undefeated!!! :-)"

Now, if you've been paying attention you may notice that I used the phrase "I see."  I'll go into this later but basically, you can use any phrase which shows women you read her profile.  In this case, "I see" does the job for me because I got a response to my message.

And as a side note, the woman below thanked me for reading her profile.  

How do you write a message to a woman who has an empty dating profile?  Easy!  Use the phrase "noticed that" to show women you attempted to read their dating profile.

In this example I wrote, "Hi, I noticed your bio is empty so what do you enjoy doing on the weekend? What kind of hobbies?"

You can see the woman below responded which is what you want; to start a conversation.

You don't need to limit your message to the three phrases above.  Use any phrase that shows women you read their profile.  In the example below I used the phrase "I see" and got a response.

“You Mention,” “Good Taste," and “Noticed That” are all good conversation starters that you can use in messages to women.  These phrases are great because they show the woman you've read her profile.  The words themselves point out that you read her dating profile which is why they are so effective.

Also, you can use other phrases which show you're read her profile.  My personal favorite is "I see."  Others include "You wrote" and "I saw."  The key is to use phrases which show women you took the time to get to know her by reading her dating profile.

Keep these other points in the back of your mind as you craft your messages to women:

• Don't be too serious in your messages.
• Come across as charming and humorous.
• Be modest but show confidence.
• Don’t be afraid to poke fun at yourself a bit, but at the same time don’t be a total clown.
• For goodness sakes don’t be agreeable.  Give her a little nudge but don't be insulting.

The last thing you want to do is compliment a woman on her looks.  NEVER compliment a woman on her appearance.  I talked about why in another blog post, "Why Men Must Avoid Physical Compliments With Women On Dating Sites."

Please leave a comment below because I’d like to hear what you think about these good conversation starters to women.  If you have any others, feel free to share.