What Are Good Online Dating First Message Tips For Men?

10 Good Online Dating First Message Tips To Meet Women

The best online dating first message tips to women include showing you have common interests, ask open-ended questions, and simply having fun. You need a good icebreaker if you want to start a conversation with a woman.

Hinge found 30% of women are turned off by the guys opening message. All too often, men send messages such as "Hi" or "Hello." Asking a woman "How's your evening" is a terrible icebreaker.

My goal is sharing 10 of the best online dating first message tips that help your icebreaker stand out in a woman's inbox — the last thing you want it sending a message like the one below.

1. Comment on The Woman's Profile

The best way to start conversations with women is by mentioning something you read in their bio. Common sense, right? The problem is most men never comment on a woman's bio and take the easy way out asking them, "How's your weekend?"

Sending a woman a message about something you see on her bio is hands down, the best way to start a conversation. One study by OkCupid backs this up.

OkCupid analyzed over 500,000 messages between men and women and found three phrases that got the highest response rates from women:

1. You mention
2. Noticed that
3. Good taste

Why are these so effective at starting conversations with women? Because the phrases show women, you read their dating profile.

Does it work? Heck yes! Take the example below from OkCupid. The first screenshot is from a woman's bio; I focused on her mentioning the outdoors. The second screenshot shows how I started a conversation based on this topic.

Everything a woman shares on her bio is fare game. You can focus on anything in her profile.

You don't necessarily have to use the exact phrases I mention above. I often use "you wrote" or "I see" when I comment on a woman's profile. The point is, mention something you find on a woman's profile and the likelihood she responds increases.

The example below is from Hinge where the woman shared one of her favorite TV shows. I chose to use the phrase "I see" and asked about what she enjoys about the show. The woman answers, and a conversation starts.

2. Focus on Common Interests

A good first message tip is looking for things you have in common and mentioning them in your message. OkCupid points out that "talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection....." 

Don't write, "Hey, we have a lot in common." Instead of telling a woman you have common interests; show you have things in common.

An example is a message below on OkCupid. I focus on Katie, mentioning how she enjoys making healthy dinners. I ask her a question about cooking and share things I enjoy eating that are healthy.

Hopefully, you see what I am doing in my message. I am showing we have a common interest by asking Katie about her love of cooking and giving details about my cooking skills. I am proving we have something in common which is far better than writing, "Hi Katie, we have common interests," which most men write.

When I read a woman's profile, I look for things we have in common. Usually, I focus on one of these things; dogs, wine, being active, working out, cooking, movies, music, or shows we share. When I see any of these things on a woman's profile, I use that as an icebreaker.

The key for you to start conversations is looking for things you share in common and demonstrating you have common interests in your message. You do this by asking questions and sharing your answers about a topic you find on a woman's bio.

3. Ask Open-ended Questions

Ask a woman a question that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." Instead of asking, "Do you enjoy live music" ask this, "What's your favorite type of music? Are you more of a stadium concert type of person or do you enjoy small venues?"

See the difference in my example above? Your message must engage the woman and not bore her.

"Yes" and "no" questions are not exciting to answer. A lot of men make the mistake of asking these type of questions to pay attention as you write your message.

Before hitting the send button, read your message out loud so you can hear it. We perceive things differently when we read them versus hearing them.

If your message isn't open-ended; change it up, so it is.

4. It's a Conversation, Not an Interrogation

Look at the message below from a guy on Tinder; "what kind of wines are you into?" It's certainly better than writing, "Hey there," but it's a less than ideal opening message.

There's nothing wrong with asking a woman about her taste in wine, but the message above is one-sided. A better approach is asking a woman a question, then share your answer as well.

Answering your questions turns the message into a conversation. I find this approach works significantly better than just asking a question.

In the message below on OkCupid, a woman shared she enjoys craft beer in her bio. Look at how more engaging my question is when you compare it with the example above.

​I use the phrase "I see" showing I read her bio and asked her which type of craft beer she enjoys. Note how I share my favorite beer and ask her favorite at the end of my message to prompt her to respond.

Can you see how mine is more of a conversation than an interrogation? The woman responds to my message, and a conversation starts.

5. Your Dating Profile is Critical

Your success at getting responses from women is linked to your dating profile. Don't underestimate your profile's importance.

Hinge found 57% of women said the main reason for not responding to someone they’ve connected with was because they "took a closer look at the person’s profile and realized they’re not attracted."

Most men don't realize there's a direct link between your messages and dating profile. If a woman likes your message, the first thing she does is look at your dating profile.

If the woman sees any red flags, a lack of effort, bad photos, an incomplete profile, or a host of other things, she'll delete your message and not respond to your message. The problem is, you don't know what may be off-putting to women.

The ideal thing is putting your best foot forward with a good dating profile which grabs a woman's attention. For a more detailed overview of great profile tips, go here: 10 Critical Online Dating Profile Tips for Men.

6. Check Your Grammar

One of the most known online dating first message tips is using proper grammar. Try to avoid misspelling words.

Match.com study revealed 96% of women think grammar is essential while research by The Wall Street Journal found that bad grammar is the biggest turn off  for online daters.

Mistakes happen, and you won't always catch them, but at least keep an eye open on your grammar. Lastly, avoid text lingo in your icebreakers as well. There's no need to write "ROFL," "SHM," or "LFMAO."

7. Trim the Fat From Your Messages

I'm a firm believer in sending messages that get to your point. Don't beat around the bush, nor waste the woman's time with nonsense filler that you can eliminate.

You want a crisp, on-point message. For example, a lot of men write, "I saw your profile and wanted to say hello" or "I thought I would reach out and say hi." Can you see how terrible these messages are?

Another of the top online dating first message tips is get to the point. The woman knows you're interested in her because you sent her a message. Saying, "I thought I would say hello" makes you look passive and no-confident; which are instant attraction killers to women.

Read the message below from a guy on POF. Note how long-winded it is.

Here are the problems with the message above:

• There is no need to write, "I just read your profile and I think there is a chance that we may be a decent match." The action of sending a woman a message shows you think you're a match.
• "If you are open to taking a chance, please.." shows a complete lack of confidence. Read it out loud, and you hear how the guy is asking her to read her profile. Trust me on this; women read your profile 100% of the time (assuming your message is good).
• "Let me know if you would like to exchange a few messages," is a complete waste because if a woman wants to message you, she will. 

This message is too long, boring, and says nothing. I'm sure the guy is nice, but the message doesn't establish any connection; instead, it makes a terrible first impression because the guy is asking the woman to take a "chance" and asks her to "please" look at his profile.

Keep your messages on point. The primary goal of your icebreaker is starting a conversation.

Focus on the woman's profile and ask open-ended questions. Keep your message light, fun, on-point, and you'll do fine.

8. Time Your Messages Right

Ideally, you want to send your messages when you see women are online. For example, if you're on OkCupid, Match.com or POF, you can see when women are online.

If you're on apps where you don't know when women are online, Tinder and Hinge, for example, it's best to message women in the evening. 

Zoosk has done several studies and found the best time to send messages to women is between 9:45 and 11 PM. Apparently, most women are on dating apps in the evening.

You're taking a risk if you message women when they are offline. Let's say you see a really cute girl, but she's offline. You send her a message, and it's at the top of her inbox.

However, she checks her messages 5 hours later, and do you want to take a guess what happens? In the meantime, 30 other guys have sent her a message, and now your message sits at #31. She's going to have to slog through all those to read yours.

You want to play the odds and message women when they are on the app at the same time you are. Your message is more likely to be read because it is at the top of her inbox instead of buried at the bottom.

Ideally, it's best to email women when they are either online or in the evening because that's when most women jump online according to studies

9. Have Fun!

One of the most critical online dating first message tips is if you're having a bad day, tired, or not really "feeling it"; get off the dating app because the last thing you want is your lazy attitude flowing into your icebreakers. First impressions are critical, and women can sense if something is off.

You want fun, positive, confident messages with great energy in your messages. Women respond to positive messages more; EliteSingles found 22% of members found negativity to be a turnoff.

10. Use a "Call To Action"

In the marketing world, a "call to action" is used to provoke an immediate response. It's an invitation for a user to take the desired action; usually to buy something.

A "call to action" is also very effective in messages on dating apps. An example you could use in your email to a woman is this:

• "I'll be eagerly awaiting your reply."
• "Look forward to hearing from you."
• "Anticipating your message."
• "Look forward to your message."

A good message tip is tacking on a call to action at the end of your message. It's a way to prompt women to reply to your message, and it works (as you can see below).